Strongest mum in the world

I am now at the ICU at our RIPAS Hospital. My mum is now fighting for her life. She has been suffering from a lot of medical conditions for as long as I know. She was diagnosed as having stomach cancer last year and the doctors managed to remove it and she recovered well. She is also a diabetic and suffering from high blood pressure. Earlier this year she was also diagnosed as having a heart condition. My mum is also on medication for her bi-polar condition. Earlier in the evening, she simply collasped and lost her blood pressure. The doctors were simply puzzled why it happened. Luckily she was already being warded when this happened. She was brought to the a&e with no pulse. Her blood pressure went down to 30. At the unit, the doctors and nurses tried to revive her. They broke the news to us that her chances were very very slim. I didnt want to lose hope. I know my mum is the strongest person on this earth. She gave birth to all 9 of us. She went through several operations in her life. I know she will pull through. I know she will not give up. At the a&e she was basically motionless. The doctor informed me that I had to brace for the worst. I whispered to my mum's ear to be strong. I recited the shahada. I know she heard me. She was brought up to the ICU. I was with her through out. At the ICU, they managed to get her bp to 100. She responded to our voices. Alhamdulillah. I was very relieved. Now her condition is still very critical but she is responding to medications. I know she is a very strong woman. That is my mum.

The loneliest job

When I have migraine, I know its time to stop thinking and simply switch off and hit to the land of Nod. I've just had a few assignments completed and the problem with me when I start doing heavy thinking, the grey matter up in my head simply doesn't know how to switch off!

Anyway, I once saw a quote that says "its lonely at the top".  How very true.  There are many times I feel I have the loneliest job and its getting tougher by the day.  Thats the reason I find solace in blogging as I found a way of expressing and letting out my thoughts as if I were in front of a shrink.  This of course is done without compromising my job as I know there are many "donts".  As a lawyer in the public service understanding the legal parameters is just something I cant ignore lest I be made accountable.

I used to think that I could gain enough strength, courage and confidence in my job by every experience that I have to go through in which I really stop to look fear in the face. I when confronted with difficult situations will always say, 'I have lived through more worse than this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along for sure.' I used to go to court.  I used to handle a lot of difficult situations, tough witnesses, tough defendants, tough defence lawyers and tough judges. I have dealt with robbers, gang rapists, thugs and thieves.  That experience in the courts actually had made me a person who can handle any given situation.

But now there are many times I am in a no-win situation. I say " damned if I do, condemned if I dont". If that happens I have little choice and most often than not, I have to do what I think is right not because I want to please anyone but because it is simply the right thing to do under the law. This is the exactly the point that makes me think and wonder on how long I will last in this job.  Investigating people with authority is never an easy job because these people can bite back and when they bite, I know they will bite hard.  They will use every means they know to bite back. 

Initially I got paranoid over this. For many months, I keep myself and my family away from virtually every people that we know except close families. I banned my kids from the internet, blogs, facebook or other social networking sites.  But soon I realise, they are only kids once.  To make them a responsible person is not to hide them from the rest of the world.  They have to lead a normal life. They have to learn to make their own mistakes because I know they will learn from them. I have to live a normal life.  To fight fear is not to hide from it. You have to face it. I want my children to live a normal life, meet their friends at the mall or the movies for as long as they are always responsible and respectful persons and mindful of the job that I have to do.   If I were hiding from the world, I must have done something wrong.  Wasnt it me who actually said, 'corruption and abuse of power is fearful of transparency'? so why should I hide? I once said that public officials will think twice of committing abuse of power if they know if they are constantly being watched and under continuous public scrutiny.  I certainly have to live up and practice what I preach. I know what the legal parameters are.  I know what the OSA says, I know what the PCA says.  I know what the Sedition Act says.  I know what the defamation laws say. I know what the General Order says.  So at the end come what may, it is my world according to stercus accidit!! (please google for its meaning) good night (or rather morning now)